Too Long, Didn't Read Summary:

• Headlines rarely talk about the planes that didn't crash.

• Motivation grows when we highlight progress, not just punish mistakes.

• Teens, partners, and even professionals build confidence when we notice “less bad” moments (fewer missed assignments, an avoided fight, a calmer response).

• Asking “How did you do that?” when things go better helps people identify strategies that work, and reinforces that they actually can have some control over outcomes.

• Punitive approaches erode motivation and push people toward easier wins (like gaming for teens, or avoidance for adults).

• Catching people doing things right, or noticing the negative things that didn’t happen, keeps people engaged, builds resilience, confidence, and lasting change.

Introduction
When we think about motivation, we usually focus on achievements: the assignments completed, the deadlines met, the workouts done. But headlines rarely talk about the planes that didn’t crash; and in families, relationships, and workplaces, the same is true. The avoided fight, the rude comment that never came out, the assignment that was turned in. These moments of progress often go unnoticed. Yet catching what didn’t happen may be one of the most powerful ways to build confidence and motivation in teens, partners, and even high-pressure professionals.

What the science says
From ADHD treatment to executive burnout prevention, the science is clear: punitive approaches rarely inspire lasting change. Focusing only on what went wrong (e.g. the missed homework, the forgotten email, the project delay) erodes confidence and pushes people toward areas where they already feel competent. This is why teens retreat into video games (where progress is rewarded instantly), and why stressed professionals may disengage at work and turn to their own social media instead.

Decades of behavioral psychology research show that what you pay attention to grows. If you spotlight failures, you grow shame and avoidance. If you spotlight progress, even when that progress looks like the absence of a negative behavior, you grow persistence and resilience.

For parents
Consider a teen who misses three assignments in a week but turns in four. Most parents instinctively ask, “Why did you miss three?” But a more motivating question is, “How did you manage to turn in four?” That shift helps teens notice their own strategies. Maybe they remembered to check their planner, or asked a friend for help. Once they explain, you praise them like crazy.

By focusing on what didn’t happen, or what was "less negative than before", like fewer missed assignments, fewer negative teacher reports, fewer arguments at home, you help your child connect success with effort. Over time, this builds the confidence to keep going. It also stops them from giving up on trying and turning to somewhere else that they can be successful, like gaming.

For partners and families
The same principle applies in marriages and partnerships. If your spouse comes home stressed and usually starts a fight but instead takes a quiet breath, you can say: “I noticed you paused just now instead of snapping — I really appreciated that.” Or if a partner battling anxiety holds back from avoidance and shows up to a social event, acknowledge it: “I know that wasn’t easy, but I think it was great that you attended.” These moments may seem small, but they reinforce the message: effort matters, not just perfect outcomes.

For professionals
Even in executive coaching for burnout or ADHD, we use this same principle. The leader who didn’t interrupt in a meeting, the professional who stopped themselves from opening email at midnight, the anxious client who avoided just one worry spiral; these are the foundations of real change. Motivation doesn’t only come from wins; it comes from reinforcing what didn’t derail us.

Conclusion
Motivation grows where attention goes. By noticing what didn’t happen — the avoided fight, the missed snark, the reduced stress spiral — you help your child, your partner, or even yourself build resilience. Progress isn’t always about perfection; often, it’s about catching the small victories along the way.

If you’d like to explore evidence-based strategies for parenting, relationships, or professional performance, Dr Rick Smith’s practice in Hong Kong offers science-based, personalised psychology services for ADHD, anxiety, burnout, and family support. Visit Rick-Smith.com to learn more.