Helping teens motivate themselves
A teen’s motivation to work from home, to plan and manage their time, requires a willingness to deal with positive and negative emotions. As their brain tries to figure out which way to go, the right and left hemispheres of their developing brain let them know which maps matter. The left hemisphere of the PFC is responsible for certain executive functions, like linear thinking and the fine motor skills needed to write the plans out. When things work out, positive emotion tells them to keep going. When they work out really well, positive emotion surges to the point of impulsivity and manic levels of energy.
Once teens hit an obstacle, the right side of their PFC hits the brakes. This hemisphere uses negative emotions, inhibits behaviour and limits the impulsivity. Its responsible for gross motor activities, meaning that even low level frustrations justify slamming their laptop shut suddenly or pounding their desks. Sometimes this is followed by withdraw, avoidance, or fighting; i.e. criticize the teacher, blame their parents, etc.
Adults hate seeing teens avoid responsibility because like their upcoming assessment, their life will also be one abstract problem after another. Intuitively, it makes sense that adults should push and nudge, increase consequences, use threats like: “You’ll never get into a good college with those habits.” Teens know the game. Eventually they cave, which reinforces the adults- but does criticism actually help the teen do better in school?
Considering that exact question in a recent study, a team of researchers coded report card comments of 45 high school seniors into three categories: encouraging, neutral or task-focused, and discouraging. Encouraging comments meant that the student was seen, heard or valued in some way. After looking at nearly 6000 written anecdotal narratives and coding over 24,000 comments, the research team found out that criticism did not achieve the desired effect.
The data showed that that negative comments at the outset were 70x more likely to continue over the course of five years compared to neutral comments. On the other hand, students who saw mostly positive comments at the onset were 23X more likely to see positive comments for the following five years. In other words, the benefits of encouragement accumulate over time. Unfortunately, so do the costs of excessive criticism.
So what can you do to help motivate your teen?
To help a teen get unstuck, a healthy alternative is a strategic use of compassion. Strategic compassion means attuning to the relationship, not the problems in their lives. Parents dont need to know the answers. They need to care that the answer gets found. Teens need their parents to express that they can appreciate how difficult it must feel to stay on task when the internet is one tab away.
The goal of each conversation is simply to have another conversation.
Three strategies to try today
First, teens need to learn that they are not the problem; they are the solution. Once a teen believes that they are the reason for the discouragement or neglect, their problem-solving brain goes into gear attacking themselves as the problem. Teens punish themselves with brutal self-criticism. They worry, withdraw, talk about stress; rarely can they talk about what makes them happy. Motivation to work plummets; they cannot plan their next move when they're stuck. Their developing brain has become good at predicting danger too -so it made sense that schoolwork all but stopped happening after November.
Second, try to make the teen their own coach. Try asking them to share ways that they would want to help their friends do this work if their friends felt this unmotivated. Teens will tell you tons of useful ideas and encouraging words for their friends. They will have a more positive tone and body posture too. Reflect their thoughts back to them as if they could choose to treat themselves in the same way. Putting their focus onto their friend leverages positive emotions just enough to put their plan into place for themselves.
Finally, remember that criticism is normal. Every relationship has criticism. Not every relationship has encouragement. Committing to increasing engagement means committing to a process, not an outcome. Unless a teen asks for your criticism, you don’t need to share it. Their teachers and friends have said enough. Your job is to train your mind to notice what they are doing well, support them when they freeze, and appreciate that out loud to them as often as possible.
